The Note

Houston – June, 2016

Two days after Dad’s death, while cleaning out his mobile home, I found the note.  It wasn’t placed in a prominent place and it might have been overlooked but for me reading any scrap of paper with Dad’s hand writing. 

The note was on a small notepad. The artwork on the page had a cartoon family of owls at the top, staring directly at you and the logo for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital at the bottom.  The notepad was in with the clutter on the table next to his living room recliner. 

I spoke to him twice in the week before he died.  On the Friday before, I brought him some bar-b-que (pork not beef; he was raised in Memphis, not Texas) and invited him over for Father’s Day. Then on Father’s Day when he was late, I called to see what was up. He said he was not feeling well and apologized for not calling me to cancel. 

I imagine it was several days between the time he wrote the note and committed the act.  I imagine he was trying the idea out first – that he wrote the note to make the idea real. He may have even written it on Father’s Day.

“Goodbuy  Cruel World:  I’ve Been hurting 3 T 5 years That’s enuff” 

The note told me what I needed to know – that he didn’t blame me.

I wonder how many other loved ones of suicide victims do the same thing, read the note to see if they are blamed by the victim.  That seems like a selfish thought and is a bit of a turn on what it frequently said about suicide – that suicide is a selfish act of the victim.

Calling suicide a selfish act is a form of blame too, I guess. When we say that, we are blaming the suicide victim for causing our grief.

Since I don’t have any grief for the end of his life, I don’t have any blame for Dad either.

In that final moment outside his trailer, in the gravel of his parking space, what was he thinking? Was he sad? Was he angry? Was he depressed? Was he relieved?

I wish I could have provided a happier ending for him. Deciding that you’ve had a long enough life after 80 years of living is a decision that should be respected.  Like the movie Soylent Green, going “Home” should be a happy decision.  You should be able to die in a peaceful, clean place, listening to your favorite music, watching images of beauty and happiness, surrounded by loved ones. The end shouldn’t be standing all alone on a gravel driveway with Houston humidity bearing down on you. 

I’ll give him this – at least he didn’t die in a hospital with tubes and wires keeping him alive.  He was ready and he died on his own terms.  Mr. DIY to the end.